Love songs don’t sound the same anymore. With the exception of Jhene Aiko, Snoh Alegra, Sabrina Claudio, H.E.R., and a few others, most songs are focused on getting back together versus spending permanent time apart. Though I’ve reviewed the project on my personal site, I wanted to write how much Mariah The Scientist’s MASTER project has truly helped me.
Through feeling guilty about the decisions I’ve made the past couple of years, I’ve discovered the first part of moving on is owning up to my self-destructive ways. Pride is one hell of a drug. Imagine not owning up to your shit because you don’t want to be the bigger person; but then again, everything isn’t always your fault. There comes a time in life where you start to realize not only forgiveness is for yourself, but it doesn’t require a reconnection with the other party.
I was never shown what love looked like. Romantic films gave me an idea, but when I started going through my own journey, I soon realized that everything was a fairytale and the guys I was going for was a reflection of how I felt about myself. I lacked self-love and was constantly looking for a void to fill. I never thought of myself as having control of any situation and has even gotten to a point where I believe love doesn’t really exist.
“What is love? A figment? Tell me am I imagining shit? Thinking about the lies I tell myself.”
“Note to Self” was the drag I needed and helped me see just how toxic I was towards myself and I’ve always wondered if that was something people saw when they first approached me. However, when listening to “Note to You,” you realize the actions of others formed who you are today and not everything is completely your fault … but, the signs were always there.
“Hard to figure out my type, when I’m focusing on you.”
Which brings us to “Hotel (Interlude).” Though only 46 seconds, Mariah talks about her efforts going unnoticed and never exploring her options because she’s stuck on one person and doesn’t know what she would go for if she were to let go. This interlude, believe it or not, saved me from the suicidal thought I had been experiencing, along with “Thanks 4 Nothing” and “Not a Love Song.”
However, “7Am” saved me the most. Imagine getting high on top of high because you didn’t want to feel anything anymore. That’s where I was, probably still am. But “7Am” reminded me of all of my triggers and realizing there was nothing I could have done differently to make someone reciprocate feelings that I’ve felt all along. I listen to this song every morning during my commute to work. It sometimes makes me question what a letter sounds like would if I decided to end it all. But I always remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just haven’t reached it yet.
Finally, there’s “Disclosure.” A record that helps you come to the realization that closure doesn’t always come. Even when you try to rectify a situation a thousand times, sometimes the outcome is always the same. Though it was something that I always found myself obsessing over, I realized that I thought forgiveness was for everyone else but myself. I used to hate when people would say things like, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Maybe because while I was in bed sulking and being suicidal, the other person had moved on like I never existed.
Mariah The Scientist’s MASTER album saved me from me. While I do sometimes find it hard to breathe and the world is crashing, this project helped me realize that I wasn’t the only person feeling resentment and trying to move on by practicing forgiveness.
Originally posted on BLUNTIQ.